Delusions of Reality

i am sitting here. just had my hand to my face and got the smell of baby wipe. when will that smell not be a part of my life anymore I wonder. i take it for granted so much now. will i miss it when it's gone? or will i not even be able to remember what it smelled like. much like labour pains. how painful were they anyway...it wasn't that bad was it?

delusions that help you get through every day. getting up 5am was okay wasn't it. it didnt feel like it at the time but i only feel a little tired now. delusion. cleaning up endless crumbs/toys/dirty bums/spilled drinks is not that bad. what else would i be doing. delusion! living every day for 8pm is perfectly normal isn't it. delusion.

but really. all these delusions seem to be a God given mechanism for coping. if i accepted each and every reality as a stark one then i would be at work. because the truth hurts. if i don't have that delusional perspective, i am seeing too clearly and too painfully. not that being at home and having two beautiful children is painful but there are times when it just feels like it is a bit much. a bit overwhelming and at times a bit underwhelming. what do i actually do all day. groundhog day just imitated life. i am 28 years old and noone else i know is doing this. the list of realities goes on. and yet, much like knowing that God is real even though I cant see him, I know that what I am doing is my delusional reality. the place where i actually want to be. in my heart and in my soul. i chose this life. and i am content with my choice. but the reality is that contentment does not always mean happiness. it just means peace for the moment. i think.

i am no philosopher. i can barely string a coherent thought together without my head physically hurting! my delusional reality = my contentment. and i am at peace with that. at this moment!