The Confessional!

Hey,

it's me. thought it was time to write again. I know I promised to write when we were in Clare that time, but I got lazy I think. Nothing much going on a the moment. The fire is flickering, the cherubs are tucked under their bed wraps and I am sitting in silence.

I have to say that I am finding the ticking of the clock so comforting. Sometimes it can be the loneliest sound. Others, like now, there is a sense of peacefulness from being able to hear it. Even if it is actually reminding me that it isnt working and that ticking I am hearing is just a tease!

Another one of those days. Did you ever think that our lives would be like this when we were sipping roasting hot chocolates in the college cafe. Or pushing our dungarees out in front light to create pregnant shadows! I am living the dream. We are both living our dreams. Why does it not always feel like that, eh? I wonder if there are people in the world who wake up every morning and jump out of bed. Their lives are so good that they just can't wait to get to them. I don't jump out of bed. Do you?? This morning I fell out of bed and rambled down to sitting room, turned on the television and fell asleep again. Slightly irreponsible. But my television starved children didnt move. I felt incredibly guilty for doing that.
'
What is it with this whole guilt thing. It eats me alive. Like, really. I feel like the Piranha Guilt's prey. Chew, chew, chew. I'm sure people who work and shove their kid into a creche all day suffer from guilt. Maybe they don't. But I feel because I am home there are all these things i should be doing to justify being here. It is so much more obvious if I am not being involved in my children's lives and I have only myself to blame. Didn't do any one on one play today. Too much DVD glue-dom. Read a book for a little extra than I should have. My pee didn't last THAT long. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Half white, half brown bread. Why couldn't I just go brown. More than 4 TV channels. My goodness. I'm RUINING these little ones. How do you get rid of guilt. How can I just accept myself for the parent that I am? There always seems to be someone doing it better. My children get me. That's it. Sometimes I feel sorry for them. Some people seem like they were just born to raise children. They just seem to know what to do. Why am I not like that even though this is always what I wanted to do.

Sorry. Rambling on here. But you know what I mean, don't you?! Or am I the only one who feels like this! Even, I was thinking about swaddling today. Don't ask me why. But there are these people who have these brand new babies. They never had one before and their little bundle is perfectly swaddled. Her clothes are clean and face is sparkling and bibs are ironed and she perpetually smells of Johnsons and Johnsons. Me, I could never get that swaddling deal. I just could not do it. The corners always fell out. The blanket wasn't right. Whatever. My babies always looked sloppy. Thrown together and falling out of themselves. Bibs were never fully clean. That is, if they were wearing one. I tended to just go for the washing the clothes thing, rather than bibs. Not sure why. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Anyway. How are you? How is the new house. Does it feel nice to have your own space again? Phew......you can't beat that feeling really. It feels a little hollow at the beginning I think, though. You it will just be you and yours coming through the door. No other conversations or surprises. You'll probably almost miss the tension. Well, maybe not that. You've had some funny living situations over the years haven't you. When you think about it!!

Talk soon. Looking forward to this weekend.
E